As one might expect, the results are scattered and rushed, taking the jumble of King's labored mythology and making it even more baffling by excising the eight-book series's most basic elements.
If The Dark Tower goes well, we'll be sure to see various sequels on every platform in the coming years.
The Dark Tower is in cinemas August 18.
So it's fair to say the tower may have been built on rocky foundations, but are there any positives to draw?
This film is also director Nikolaj Arcel's biggest budget movie to date, having never made a major blockbuster prior to this.
Stephen King's expansive Dark Tower novels are beloved works of fantasy. When Jake realizes that these dreams are actually visions, he journeys across dimensions to find the Gunslinger and help him protect the eponymous Dark Tower, which lies at the center of the universe and keeps all of reality safe from the demons that lurk beyond. He continues to accuse director Nikolaj Arcel of wasting the two leads in Elba and McConaughey, and concludes: "This unholy mess shouldn't happen to a king, let alone a paying customer".
The outlet also reports that "Sony and MRC spent $6 million on reshoots to fill in more backstory", much of it aimed at clarifying the intense battle between Idris Elba's The Gunslinger and Matthew McConaughey's The Man in Black. To cut off those who stand in his way, the ageless deceiver instructs them to "stop breathing", sending his foes into instant death, and the lackadaisical manner in which McConaughey speaks the words is more comical than menacing.
"The Dark Tower" labors with Roland and Jake wandering the desert, initially in search of a powerful seer to read Jake's mind, but it picks up steam when the pair venture to Keystone Earth.
"When the movie allows itself moments of campiness", Alexander explained, "when it takes a second to acknowledge its own self-realization about what it is, that's where it briefly succeeds".
While Elba and Taylor make a fine match, and the film picks up tremendous steam once they're paired together, the script's aim to keep things as lean and tight as possible mean they're forced to rush through a complex story that deserves much more than a time-strapped take that gets significantly less interesting as it goes along. Interestingly, The Dark Tower runs at a strangely short 1 hour, 35 minutes.
And that, unfortunately, is as engaged as we'll ever be in this end-of-the-world scenario, edited down to within an inch of its life, that lies there like a beached whale.
"There are franchises out there, and I've seen them, had some offers, and they were ones that I even liked. We're gonna be the first to present you The Dark Tower.' And if it's a success, we can come back and do another one". The first book, The Gunslinger, was published in 1982, the last, The Dark Tower, in 2004.